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Draw Near Conference
Kesley’s Story
I grew up in Brooklyn and was raised by mom and my grandma. When it came to a father figure, it was pretty much nonexistent for a long time and the only father I had was God. But I felt like he let me down.
I saw a lot of people that I love suffer and then when I was in high school, my grandma got killed in a hit and run. She was actually going to church, it was six in the morning. So I was really angry at that point with God. I was just kind of like, “why does this hurt so much? I've been so faithful”, you know?
I got to a point where I felt like I didn’t really know God at all. I was hurt because I couldn't hear him and for a while I got really comfortable in the nothingness. So I just let go of him.
I saw a lot of people that I love suffer and then when I was in high school, my grandma got killed in a hit and run. She was actually going to church, it was six in the morning. So I was really angry at that point with God. I was just kind of like, “why does this hurt so much? I've been so faithful”, you know?
I got to a point where I felt like I didn’t really know God at all. I was hurt because I couldn't hear him and for a while I got really comfortable in the nothingness. So I just let go of him.
Struggling with self-worth
This was during my early college years, and when I think about it now at 30, those were the years where I struggled the most.
I think growing up without a dad for a long time made me feel unworthy and led me to find validation from other men. I was always vying for some sort of acceptance and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around other people to feel loved
It’s such a strange dynamic when your worth is in something that doesn't have the power to give you worth.
I ended up getting into a relationship for 7 years and I did a lot of things just to feel accepted in that relationship - including going to church even though I was rebellious about it.
I think growing up without a dad for a long time made me feel unworthy and led me to find validation from other men. I was always vying for some sort of acceptance and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around other people to feel loved
It’s such a strange dynamic when your worth is in something that doesn't have the power to give you worth.
I ended up getting into a relationship for 7 years and I did a lot of things just to feel accepted in that relationship - including going to church even though I was rebellious about it.
A reawakening
I remember one day at church I felt the Holy Spirit come over me and I was so emotional because I knew I was so broken and I needed God. It was so obvious, but I resisted it.
There were times where I'd pinch myself, like physically harm myself because I didn't want to show that I was breaking open. I was just like, “don't cry here. What are you doing?”
One day, there was a moment where they said, "if you've never given your life to Christ, this is your chance to do so". I heard that maybe four or five times, and something came over me. I just remember raising my hand and it was so awkward. But I felt like someone was helping me raise my hand. That was the first time I experienced hope and the Holy Spirit in a tangible way.
After that, my relationship with God started to mend because I was going to church and I had community, but I still felt alone in a lot of ways because I wasn't honest with myself about my brokenness.
My identity was still in my partner and I still hadn’t fully accepted God as my father.
There were times where I'd pinch myself, like physically harm myself because I didn't want to show that I was breaking open. I was just like, “don't cry here. What are you doing?”
One day, there was a moment where they said, "if you've never given your life to Christ, this is your chance to do so". I heard that maybe four or five times, and something came over me. I just remember raising my hand and it was so awkward. But I felt like someone was helping me raise my hand. That was the first time I experienced hope and the Holy Spirit in a tangible way.
After that, my relationship with God started to mend because I was going to church and I had community, but I still felt alone in a lot of ways because I wasn't honest with myself about my brokenness.
My identity was still in my partner and I still hadn’t fully accepted God as my father.
A new identity in God
When my boyfriend and I broke up, being alone for the first time led me to draw nearer to God. I started to realize that I had so many feelings of unworthiness, but God started to reveal the truth about who I really am - that I am loved, worthy and special. Not only to Him but to other people.
Now that my worth is found in God, my identity isn’t tethered to anything else. All of the lies and narratives I believed about myself have been shattered, and now I just feel so light. There’s no more striving. It’s just peaceful. I've also forgiven God for my grandma and let go of needing to have all the answers to why bad things happen. Now l have faith in him because I've seen the good that he's done in my life.
I no longer feel anger and stray away from him. Instead, I draw nearer to Him. Of course there are hard moments where I struggle with things not being as they should be, but I rather deal with those hardships than not know who he is and who I am in him.
Every time anything is chaotic, I come back to that truth - which is that God loves me. When I’m rooted in the truth, nothing can shake me. It’s because of Him that I know who I am.
Now that my worth is found in God, my identity isn’t tethered to anything else. All of the lies and narratives I believed about myself have been shattered, and now I just feel so light. There’s no more striving. It’s just peaceful. I've also forgiven God for my grandma and let go of needing to have all the answers to why bad things happen. Now l have faith in him because I've seen the good that he's done in my life.
I no longer feel anger and stray away from him. Instead, I draw nearer to Him. Of course there are hard moments where I struggle with things not being as they should be, but I rather deal with those hardships than not know who he is and who I am in him.
Every time anything is chaotic, I come back to that truth - which is that God loves me. When I’m rooted in the truth, nothing can shake me. It’s because of Him that I know who I am.